Let’s kick things off
I’m meeting with my editor today for a final review of Healed On the Inside. It’s almost ready for publication!
In the meantime, I want to share a piece I wrote yesterday. It is part of a project that is tentatively called Look For the Light:
It's easy to doubt God's plan, especially when it contradicts what we want for our lives. Whether it's health issues, relationship problems, or not having enough money ... plenty of things can make us say, "Come on, God! This is not fair. I'm a good person. I deserve better than this.
I have been fighting stage three skin cancer -- it's worse than it sounds -- for the last 15 months, and I'm certainly guilty of distrusting God's path for me.
I've had four cancer-related surgeries and many setbacks, including one today. As someone who has melanoma, I go to the dermatologist every six months to get my skin examined. At today's visit, Dr. W found two more spots on my body to biopsy. That meant two cuts on my body.
I have lost track of how many moles have required biopsies in the last 15 months. I don't know how many scars I have. They're starting to rival my tattoos, which means there is a heck of a lot.
Worse than the scars and the physical pain, though, is the mental anguish that accompanies biopsies. Each time I get a biopsy, I have to wait a week or two for the results. And, since the calls do not typically bring good news, my waiting days are filled with anxiety.
Twice, Dr. W's follow-up calls have revealed melanoma, and he has also called me to tell me about abnormal/pre-cancerous moles. All of these scenarios are life-changing. They require surgery, etc.
Expecting bad news has been a learned condition.
So, yeah, I have questions for God. Why does this keep happening to me? Other than two weeks when I was 21 and trying to look cool, I have never smoked. I barely drink. I was a college athlete. As I said above, this is not fair.
I believe it's OK to ask God questions. I even think it's OK to be mad. God knows that I'm imperfect. He made me, so he knows exactly how I'm wired. That's why he sent his son to earth, to pay the price for my sins. I wish Jesus never had to do that, but I'm thankful for his sacrifice.
And, while I get mad and ask questions, I have not lost my faith in God. Deep down, I know that he has a plan for me. Even when it doesn't match my desired plan, it is the right plan.
This morning's Bible reading caused me to reflect on the importance of ultimately accepting God's plan. I was Numbers and learning about Moses leading the Jewish people out of Egypt. I also read about the chosen people's discontent. Even though God was guiding them out of slavery, they complained about not having any meat to eat.
"Oh, for some meat," they exclaimed. "We remember the fish we used to eat for free in Egypt. And we had all the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic we wanted. But now our appetites are gone. All we ever see is manna."
Wow. God had rescued the Jewish people from their captors. He was taking them to the Promised Land. He was literally dropping food from heaven each morning. And, yet, they were miserable.
God heard the people complaining. He answered them by providing more quail than they could ever eat. Oh, and he also delivered a plague. He was furious at their insolence.
I get that this is an Old Testament example of God’s anger and that the New Testament is not as harsh. Still, I certainly don't want God to punish me for being ungrateful. Sure, I'm fighting cancer. The cancer treatments have caused diabetes, which is a nightmare. But it could be worse, right?
If I hadn't moved to Florida shortly before my diagnosis, I wouldn't have had easy access to one of the best cancer hospitals in the world. Maybe my outcome wouldn't have been positive. Or, I could have waited longer to get my moles checked. Then, stage three could have been stage four or five.
Regarding diabetes, it's not hard to imagine God gave it to me intentionally. Since being diagnosed, I have completely changed my diet, and I've lost 55 pounds. There's no way I would have lost the weight without the diabetes scare, and that extra weight could have easily led to a heart attack.
God also gave me a powerful woman as a partner. Together, we handle whatever comes our way. She does not falter when it comes to being the family's rock.
Perhaps God knew we could handle these health issues and use them to show the world how wonderful he is.
I love the idea of looking for the light in this world. Too often, I get caught up in wanting to avoid the bad things in life. I worry about staying out of the darkness. But today, I'm choosing to look for the light. I'm running toward it by finding the positive in life's challenging moments. Rather than worrying about being stuck in the darkness, I'll see God's light and bask in his love.
